Day 22: TGIM

WP_20150912_15_20_34_ProNot because I particularly look forward to Monday but because for the last few weeks I have found Sunday evenings really difficult. This is definitely the time of week I miss Dylan most; there is something about leaving him after the weekend which is hard in a way my mid-week visit isn’t. So last night, feeling empty and unsettled, I found myself wishing it would hurry up and be Monday. Then, I thought,Ā  I could at least distract myself with teaching.

I’ve used work as a strategy for coping with difficulty since I was a child so I know the dangers of such a behaviour pattern. In this instance, however, it is probably quite useful; I just need to find ways of riding these early weeks out, I tell myself. I don’t know why it should be so difficult on Sundays. It could be because at weekends, when Dylan comes home, there is a partial restoration of our life together. Or it may be that in taking responsibility for Dylan’s care at weekends I am reminded of his vulnerability and find it harder to leave him. Whatever the reason, I have to work hard at distracting myself on Sunday evenings.

Even when the evening is over the challenge doesn’t end. One strange reaction I have had to Dylan going into care is to feel more anxious overnight. This really is bizarre as I was far more vulnerable with Dylan in the house than without; if there had ever been (I don’t like to even think this) an intruder or fire, I would have struggled to keep us safe. So I really cannot fathom why I am more nervous without Dylan. Did I imagine, when he lived with me, that Dylan would spring from his bed and save us in an emergency? Or was it that his presence simply comforted me and allowed me to relax?

I have been Dylan’s sole protector for so long that I have come to think of myself as Amazonian, fearless in my defense and protection of him. So why, I asked myself as I checked the house for a final time last night, was I wishing that Sunday night would turn into Monday?

Image:

The photo is of Dylan trying out bell ringing at Sheffield Cathedral during a recent weekend visit šŸ™‚

6 thoughts on “Day 22: TGIM

  1. What if you cling to the idea of his being a helpless five year old and explain away things about you that you need to deal with, that have not a thing to do with him. Having to keep busy and to fill time, are things all humans do, those with difficulties hide the difficulties in rationalizations of being needed. I am worried for you. I hope I am not lost about context. I hope you are well.

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    • Oh Elisa I don’t think of D as a ‘helpless five year old’! Believe me, if you could meet him šŸ™‚ When I say ‘vulnerable’ I suppose I am thinking of D’s lack of speech, mostly, and how difficult it might be for him sometimes to communicate what he needs. So it can be really little things that get me; a trivial example is discovering that he didn’t have any bubble bath in his toiletry basket at the weekend and realising that he probably wouldn’t have a way of asking the staff to get some – and he just loves his bubble baths so much and I think actually they play a role in him managing his sensory issues. And it’s a small thing but I thought about this on Sunday evening when I got home – that D hadn’t been having his bubble baths and maybe there were other things that he was missing. I KNOW that this will all sort out with time and that D is happy there and well-cared for and long term this is a fantastic move for Dylan. I’m pretty sure I don’t need to be feel needed šŸ™‚ I’m well – and you don’t need to worry! Thanks for reading šŸ™‚

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  2. Is it really nervousness you’re feeling?
    What comes to my mind is that you just plainly miss him! During the week, it’s a mid-week visit and you have the next work day to think about. The weekend is life, not work. In time, I think your new routine will feel more normal to you. Right now, I imagine it’s his absence that feels strange after your brief return to how it always was. Maybe?
    As my children have headed off to college, I know how hard it is to say goodbye after they come home for a weekend. Eventually, it gets easier. Most babies go through some degree of separation anxiety as they become aware that they are separate from their care person(s) and that that person goes away sometimes. As my babies’ mom, I have gone through it too… some years later. šŸ˜‰
    i love you, Liz! xox

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    • Oh Nettie thank you. You are so right. I share an office with someone who is just seeing her daughter off to university this week and I see her going through very similar feelings to me – it is simply about missing someone you’ve shared your life with and hoping that they will be well and happy and not miss their momma too much šŸ™‚ I remember you saying to me after your Dylan was born, and just a few days old, that you were taking a shower one morning and suddenly had a flash forward to your tiny baby going away to college and that you dreaded it already! I have sometimes thought about that story – it reminds me that for everything we receive, there is a letting go involved at some point. Thank you for saying it gets easier šŸ™‚ My lovely Nettie – do you know when I moved moved Dylan into my old room the other week (because I am shifting bedrooms around to claim some good space for myself) I moved ‘New Mama’s got a son in her eye’ from the corridor outside his old room to outside his new room. I love the way it has always been with him – and that takes us right back to that shower doesn’t it? Love, love, xxx

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  3. I think nervousness at night is an entirely natural thing when you’ve been used to having another human being around. We are social animals. We get comfort from the pack. It’ll take you time to learn to feel safe in the house on your own, even if you’re safer, because this isn’t logical. I remember a similar experience when I resorted to buying a hamster, so there was another living thing in the house as well as me. That poor hamster. We never had a proper relationship. It was totally exploited. šŸ˜‰

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