Not because I particularly look forward to Monday but because for the last few weeks I have found Sunday evenings really difficult. This is definitely the time of week I miss Dylan most; there is something about leaving him after the weekend which is hard in a way my mid-week visit isn’t. So last night, feeling empty and unsettled, I found myself wishing it would hurry up and be Monday. Then, I thought, I could at least distract myself with teaching.
I’ve used work as a strategy for coping with difficulty since I was a child so I know the dangers of such a behaviour pattern. In this instance, however, it is probably quite useful; I just need to find ways of riding these early weeks out, I tell myself. I don’t know why it should be so difficult on Sundays. It could be because at weekends, when Dylan comes home, there is a partial restoration of our life together. Or it may be that in taking responsibility for Dylan’s care at weekends I am reminded of his vulnerability and find it harder to leave him. Whatever the reason, I have to work hard at distracting myself on Sunday evenings.
Even when the evening is over the challenge doesn’t end. One strange reaction I have had to Dylan going into care is to feel more anxious overnight. This really is bizarre as I was far more vulnerable with Dylan in the house than without; if there had ever been (I don’t like to even think this) an intruder or fire, I would have struggled to keep us safe. So I really cannot fathom why I am more nervous without Dylan. Did I imagine, when he lived with me, that Dylan would spring from his bed and save us in an emergency? Or was it that his presence simply comforted me and allowed me to relax?
I have been Dylan’s sole protector for so long that I have come to think of myself as Amazonian, fearless in my defense and protection of him. So why, I asked myself as I checked the house for a final time last night, was I wishing that Sunday night would turn into Monday?
The photo is of Dylan trying out bell ringing at Sheffield Cathedral during a recent weekend visit 🙂